Why do I walk? I don’t even know if I have the words to adequately explain. There is so much, too much, wrapped up in it. There is the fact that um… Yeah, my mom has Alzheimer’s. It sucks. It’s sad. I hate it. I don’t want to “get” it. I don’t want to be a burden to my family. I don’t want to live in a nursing home. I want to find a cure. ….All true. But, wow…there is SO. MUCH. MORE. We all have these relationships with our parents. Some are close, supportive, and healthy. Some are toxic. Some are strained but cordial. Sometimes the relationship is NO relationship. Sometimes, throughout a lifetime, our relationships vacillate between all of these. Relationships with our parents, siblings, children and significant others are COMPLICATED. But let’s chat over a cup of coffee, mom. I know you love coffee. And then, they get sick. They forget. They forget what they said, what you said, what the doctor said. They forget to take their medications, forget if they ate or not. They forget to pay a bill. We get frustrated because while it’s just “normal old age” it is a sign that they are aging…and dying. It reminds us of their (and our) mortality. But it’s ok…she still enjoys her coffee and donuts. After a while, they grow distrustful. They accuse YOU…the person that is trying to keep them safe…of stealing, lying, manipulating them. They accuse the doctors of “only wanting to get paid.” You reach out to every agency, doctor, association, program that you can think of. You spend hours upon hours in waiting rooms, answering questions, dealing with insurance and what help are you able to get? None. “She’s just not bad enough” ….yet. It’s difficult. It’s hurtful. It’s hard to cope with. It would be so easy to just walk away… and let them fend for themselves. After all, THEY are the one being so difficult, right? Ok mom, how about we relax and have a cup of coffee? We can deal with all that stuff another time. Things escalate. They wander, they get lost. They hallucinate and there is NO way you can convince them that they are safe, that what they are seeing and hearing isn’t real. They call the police because they aren’t safe! By the time the police arrive, they’ve forgotten that they have even called. If you try to reason with them or use logic, YOU become the enemy. YOU are doing this to them. YOU are playing tricks on them. YOU want to put them away. YOU want them dead. Have someone come in to help them out? HA! THEY are in on it with YOU so they better get OUT of the house before the police come! Mom, it looks like you tried to make some coffee…. would you like me to brew some for you? Eventually, difficult decisions have to be made. All those complicated dynamics from your relationship with your “before Alzheimer’s” parent conflicts with your relationship with your “after Alzheimer’s” parent. All that underlying “stuff” – tender moments, tough moments, resentments and regrets have surfaced. Nevertheless, you have a job to do. A role to fill. You have to raise your voice, you have to stomp your foot, you have to cry, and refuse to leave. You have to say “She CANNOT go back HOME.” Over and over again until SOMEONE hears you. At that moment, the realization that everything is beyond you, beyond your capabilities, that YOU are not enough. You have lost….and Alzheimer’s won.